10 ways to stop climate change

1. Get rid of cows. They produce methane. If we got rid of the earth's 6 billion cattle then that would be a massive step forward. It may annoy meat eaters, some African tribesmen and the entire Hindu religion but I'm sure they'd see the global view. 
2. Ban cars. That would shut Clarkson up and free up the roads for more bicycles. In a blink this would stop the oil companies raping the planet.
3. Ban world trade. That apple you just ate came all the way from Chile by ship. If we stopped importing stuff then there'd be no need for ships, warmongering navies or pirates. The CO2 savings would be enormous.
4. Stop weeding. Every plant you destroy increases the amount of CO2 in the atmosphere. Anyone found destroying a plant will be prosecuted.
5. Close every power station that uses coal, gas or oil. It may get a little dark in the evenings and a little cold in the winter but we have to make sacrifices to maintain our quality of life.
6. Ban planes. Massive polluters and emitters of CO2, planes serve no function - there is no need for 99% of flights; why should you visit your dying mother in Florida when Mother Earth is dying? 
7. Ban the cooking of food. Have you any idea how much polluting energy is required to heat up your meals? Once we get rid of meat eating there won't be any need to cook food for safety reasons anyway. Eating raw vegetables and grains will cut obesity too.
8. Stop the mechanisation of agriculture. The amount of energy used in oil in farming is the same as the amount of energy produced in the food. Effectively, we are eating oil. Accordingly everyone will be given an allotment to grow their own food. Farms will be abolished.
9. Non-believers and deniers will be jailed and their tongues ripped out. I know this is a bit extreme but they are killing the planet and must be stopped. The science is unequivocal.
10. Humans produce CO2 by breathing in and out. This is clearly a denier inspired plot. Everyone must have a respiration holiday at least once a month. During this enforced one hour period everyone must stop breathing until given permission to continue by the Inspector.

With these measures in place we can ensure that climatic stability is achieved, leaving us to tun our attention to the tides. They are a great inconvenience and must be similarly controlled.

This has been a public information post written entirely on recycled organic pixels. Mum, you can stop peddling now.

Message ends.