That Queen's Speech in Full.

My Government will:

1. Through the provision of a Happy Families Bill enshrine the right of all citizens of this country to be nice to each other; to make sure that the cap is always replaced on the toothpaste and that if you're making a cup of tea to ensure that everyone else in the house at that time is also offered the opportunity of a hot beverage.
2. Through the passing of the Flood and Water Management Bill make it a statutory duty for all Councils in this country to make sure that there are no puddles exceeding 3 square metres in surface area and to make it an offence punishable by the full force of the law for the land within the council area to exceed the average rainfall expected for that area.
3. Through the enactment of the Financial and Finances Act make it illegal to refer to the budget deficit as having "started in Fife" and to ensure that any reference to the recession is preceded by the words "Due to the global nature of this crisis..."
4. Through the provision of the Social Care Bill make it an illegal act not to provide 24 hour care for anyone who wants it. 
5. Through the Vacation and Holidays Bill enshrine in law the right of every British citizen to experience sunny weather on their days off. A new Positive Experience Meteorological Enforcement Agency will oversee this basic right and prosecute, with the full force of the Law, any deviation from it.
6. Through the Education Rights Bill make it impossible for any child to be corrected whether by verbal, written or electronic communication; for every child to be offered a raft of qualifications by application and for every child to have the opportunity to make a terrific job of their lives. The teachers, parents and siblings of any child who doesn't become really happy, wealthy and successful in later life will be subject to the full force of the law.
7. Through the Planning Enforcement Law make it a criminal offence to object to any housing, utility or industrial development within 100 miles of the complainants residence. Not that there'll be any industrial development - but plenty of windmills and new council estates. Nice places probably. 

My Government has also made provision for another Queen's speech next week once we've cleared this little lot up on Friday morning.